Parenting an Angry Teen: A Proven Guide

How to Parent an Angry Teen: Proven Tips to Help Parents

The teenage years are a challenging time for any parent. Teenagers can be notoriously moody, reckless, and unpredictable. However, for parents of teens with defiance anger issues, these years can be especially difficult. Many parents of angry teens worry about their son or daughter’s whereabouts or may fear when they will have their next episode or bout of rage. While many troubled teens with anger issues require professional treatment, there are several steps parents can take to help manage their teen’s anger. With proper support and treatment from both inside and outside the home, teens can learn new ways to manage their feelings and find success and happiness in life.

This article is intended to be a resource for parents, guardians, and teachers of teenage girls and boys struggling with anger, disrespect, and defiance. We will provide an overview of anger and defiance in teens, signs that your angry child’s bad behavior is out of control, how parents can help manage their teen’s anger, and discuss wilderness therapy as treatment.

The behavior of teens with anger and defiance issues exhibit extend far beyond the typical disrespectful behaviour, eye-rolling, slammed doors, and arguments between teen and their parent. Anger is a normal part of adolescence and can be a healthy emotional response to outside stressors.

Anger is a secondary emotion for teens as it often masks other underlying issues including sadness, hurt, fear, and shame. When these underlying emotions become too much, a teen will often respond by lashing out. Because adolescence can be stressful, most teens will lash out from time to time. However, for teens with anger issues, emotional outbreaks are a regular occurrence.

Teens with serious anger issues are consumed with anger. These individuals can be defiant and may turn to violence, self-harm, risky behavior, and illegal activity as a way to cope with their strong emotions. They may lash out with anger in response to outside stressors or an untreated or undiagnosed mental disorder. In the sections below, we will define common causes of teen defiance and the behaviors and patterns that fall outside of normal.

Angry Teenager Causes and Contributing Factors

There are many factors that can contribute to anger issues and defiance in teens. Every teen’s emotional regulation skill set, capacity, and maturity is different. Some teens simply need more help in learning how to healthily manage their emotions and cope with stress. Other teens experience intense anger as a symptom of a mental health issue, traumatizing life experience, or simply from the stress and pressures of adolescence. Some of these common triggers of severe anger in teens include:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Victim of bullying or persistent & unhealthy peer pressure
  • Conflict within the family
  • Traumatic event
  • Death of a loved one
  • Adoption issues
  • Substance abuse
  • Divorce
  • Abuse
  • Grief

In addition to the above list, an unresolved issue such as teen depression, anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) can contribute to anger issues in teens. These disorders often impact social skills, self-control, and impulse control which results in a child being more prone to having angry outbursts.

10 Warning Signs Your Teen’s Anger Is Out of Control

If a parent is concerned about the level of anger and defiance a teen is exhibiting, the first step is understanding what is normal teen behavior and which behaviors may indicate a more serious issue. If your teen is exhibiting one or more of the following behaviors, they likely have anger issues that require external help.

  • Physical aggression or violence
  • Excessive arguing with parents, siblings, teachers, and/or peers
  • Regular emotional outbursts that may include yelling, screaming, or lashing out
  • Irrational thinking and behavior
  • Bullying
  • Verbal threats
  • Cruel behaviors to people or animals
  • Criminal activity
  • Destroying property
  • Self-harm

Any of the above behaviors are a red flag that your teen’s anger issues require professional treatment, in addition to parental support. If your teen’s anger extends beyond normal response to outside stressors and exhibits one or more of the above behaviors, the next step is to lay a parenting plan in place and consult with his or her physician.

8 Ways Parents Can Help Their Angry Teen

While parenting a defiant or angry teenager is extremely draining for parents, there are several key steps parents can take to help ease the contention and strain within home. Teenagers lack the emotional maturity and stability and therefore significantly rely on their parents to give them the help and direction they need.

It is essential that parents do the best they can to love and support their child while still keeping in mind that they cannot control their teen’s emotions or actions. The best thing empowering parents can do is provide their teen with proper support within the home and seek appropriate external treatment to help the teen learn how to manage his or her feelings.

1. Create Boundaries and Expectations for Your Teen

Defiant and angry teens need clear rules that are tied to a clear consequence when he or she breaks the rule. Establish these rules and expectations during a calm time. Have a conversation with your teen so they know what to expect when the said rules are broken. Explain to your teen that these rules are to help keep him or her safe and free from harm. Express your love for your child. Even angry teens want to know that their parents love and care about them.

2. Talk to Your Teen

Parents of angry teens may find it difficult to talk and communicate with their child through the outburst and contention. During times of peace or once a teen has calmed down from their outburst, parents should try and talk to their teen about what is really bothering them. If the teen is willing to speak or share, do not judge or try and correct your teen. Simply listen to him or her without becoming angry.

3. Encourage a Healthy Lifestyle

Encourage a healthy lifestyle of physical exercise, healthy eating, and proper sleep. Creating a healthy lifestyle routine for your teen helps fosters good behavior in children and teens. This includes setting regular mealtimes and bedtimes, a set time to check-in with your teen, and regular exercise.

Most of all, make sure your teen gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can increase stress, mood swings, irritability, and can also cause problems with weight, memory, concentration, and decision-making. All teens should get between 8-10 hours of sleep. To achieve this, many parents find it helpful having teens turn in their electronics two hours before bedtime to eliminate distractions.

4. Limit Technology Use

Parents should not just limit technology at bedtime. The overuse of technology, social media, or screen time is unhealthy for any teen. Too much screen time can not only adversely affect your child’s sleep, it can also lead to irritability. Parents must monitor their teen’s technology use to ensure they are not consuming violent tv shows, video games, movies, and music as they increase the likelihood of outbursts and violent behavior.

5. Encourage Your Teen to Find a Hobby

Hobbies can help teens manage their negative emotions. Adults should encourage their son or daughter to participate in a hobby that will serve as an outlet for anger. This includes anything from sports, weight lifting, journaling, music, yoga, mindfulness & meditation, cooking, art, and horseback riding.

6. Set a Good Example for Your Teen

One of the best ways parents can teach their teen healthy coping patterns and emotional regulation is by example. When your teen starts to feel angry, make sure you display healthy and appropriate responses and that you stay as calm and as rational as possible, even when your teen is extremely difficult and defiant.

7. Have Reasonable Expectations for Your Teen

Perfection from teens is not reasonable. A teenager’s brain is continually developing and changing until about the mid-’20s. Therefore, a teen’s brain will process information much differently, including the way a teen manages their emotions and make decisions. Hormones can further complicate things. While these factors should not serve as an excuse for bad behavior, it is important parents keep these biological differences in mind.

In many ways, teens are still learning, and consequences provide learning experiences to help their brain and judgment develop. Parents of angry teens should maintain age-appropriate expectations for their teen and nothing more. For help in knowing what is reasonable to expect, see neuropsychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel’s book, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain.

8. Spend Quality Time with Your Teen

Every child wants to be unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents, even when they do not show it. Take the time to spend quality time with your teen doing an activity they enjoy. During this time, just focus on loving, validating, and being positive about your teen and their strengths. Reassure them how much you love them both in word and in deed. Even if a teen is angry or negative towards you, deep down they are likely feeling unlovable and insecure. Give your teen your undivided attention to reassure them that you love and care.

Don’t get frustrated if your teen resists your efforts. Just continue trying. Remember, the objective is to simply build a relationship with your teen and support them in the ways they need it most.

Wilderness Therapy as Treatment for Anger in Teens

While the support parents provide to their child at home is incredibly important, severe cases of teen anger require more intensive treatment. The best thing parents can do for their son or daughter is to provide them with the professional help they need. It is important that teens learn healthy coping mechanisms now, so their anger does not consume them or hinder them in their adult life. To achieve this, many parents turn to wilderness therapy.

Researcher Keith C. Russell defines wilderness therapy as “Utilizing outdoor adventure pursuits and other activities, such as primitive skills and reflection, to enhance personal and interpersonal growth.” A credible wilderness therapy program will teach a defiant teen how to manage their anger from a loving and experienced clinical team in a therapeutic wilderness setting. These two factors, among others, enable wilderness therapy to help teens with anger issues in a way that talk therapy cannot.

"My life is amazing. Aspiro has changed everything. I now know how to climb every mountain. Thank you Aspiro for making me realize so much about my life and how to deal with anger."

– Brian, a former student at Aspiro

A Therapeutic Wilderness Setting for Teens with Anger Issues

Wilderness therapy for teens utilizes the natural benefits of the outdoors to help angry teens heal and grow. Studies show that simply being outdoors has mental health benefits. In addition, the new and novel environment of wilderness therapy is ideal for establishing new patterns and ways of coping in defiant teens.

Wilderness Adventure Therapy Promotes Healthy Habits for Teens with Anger Issues

A credible wilderness adventure therapy program provides regular opportunities for teens to learn how to cope with anger, develop problem-solving skills, and establish healthier patterns and behaviors. A credible wilderness therapy program will create a schedule so that participants participate in regular exercise, receive good nutrition, and healthy sleep. These provide angry teens with a healthy mind and body that will be more receptive to learning new patterns.

Wilderness Therapy Strengthens Social Skills in Teens with Anger Issues

The therapeutic group experience of wilderness therapy helps teens with anger issues refine their social skills. Angry teens often feel misunderstood, but wilderness therapy allows them to connect with other teens who are facing similar issues. These daily interactions in a variety of situations can greatly improve a defiant teen’s interpersonal skills.

Wilderness Therapy Provides Angry Teens with Personalized and Specialized Help

A credible wilderness therapy program will support the teen with a caring and professional team of therapists and field staff to support the teen’s journey. Wilderness therapy participants are able to learn healthy ways to cope with anger from an experienced therapist who specializes in working with troubled teens. The clinical team of a credible wilderness adventure therapy program are trained to get the bottom of a teen’s anger issues and provide them with the exact tools they need to work through it.

Wilderness Therapy Teaches Defiant Teens Cause and Effect

Wilderness adventure therapy utilizes “in the moment” or experiential therapy, so students can see, feel, and touch what they are learning. Assessing the hidden emotions behind the anger makes them easier to reach and understand. Experiential therapy is especially effective for teens with anger issues as it helps them take responsibility for their actions and learn about consequences.

Instead of lecturing teens about their anger and poor decisions, wilderness therapy utilizes natural consequences to demonstrate cause and effect in a very real and immediate way. For example, if a teen chooses not to build their tent or if they do not build it properly, they will get wet when it rains and sleep horribly. Such experiences teach a teen that they their choices have consequences that only they are responsible for.

Wilderness Therapy Gives Teens with Anger Issues Self-Confidence

Wilderness therapy puts teens with anger issues in situations that allow them to feel confidence and success in a variety of different environments. Participating in adventure activities like mountain biking, rappelling, and hiking, teens are able to achieve things they never thought they could do. In turn, they become more confident and positive individuals who know they can overcome hard things. This self-confidence is key for teens who experience anger since confidence is linked to positive thinking skills as well as a lower vulnerability to stress and depression.

If you decide wilderness therapy is the best option for your teen with anger issues, it is important that you do your research to ensure you are selecting a credible wilderness therapy program for your teen.

How Parents Can Support Their Angry Teen Through Wilderness Therapy

Even when a teen is away at wilderness therapy, they still need love and support from their parents. Continue to strengthen and improve the relationship you have with your son or daughter by sending letters and calling them. Let them know you are there for them and that you are always available to listen.

After addressing necessary issues, focus on the future without shaming them for past choices. Allow your child to share their experiences and growth without judging. Parents should also keep the lines of communication open with their teen’s therapists, so they stay informed and current about their teen’s progress and what they are currently working through. Staying informed and involved with your teen’s treatment program is vital to his or her success.

While your teen is away, continue learning about your teen’s issues and diagnosis. Consider your teen’s situation and learn more about how to help. Doing so will not only help you better understand your teen but will also help you know how you can best help your teen after treatment.

Conclusion

While some parent-teen conflict is normal during the teenage years, there comes a point where anger turns from an emotional response to a level of constant contention that must be addressed promptly. This process can be extremely draining, difficult, and heartbreaking for parents.

No matter how hopeless a parent may feel, and no matter how much turmoil you and your teen are facing, with proper care and support, things can and will get better. A credible wilderness therapy program can provide your child with healthier coping patterns, confidence, and the tools they need to manage their anger and find joy and success in life.

About Aspiro Adventure Therapy Program

Aspiro Adventure Wilderness Adventure Therapy program was uniquely crafted to assist students and their families in creating lasting, life-long emotional changes through compassionate, intentional, research backed, and safe outdoor adventure therapy programs. The professionals at Aspiro Adventure understand individuals don’t come with instructions, and every student is unique, capable, and amazing in their own right.

Aspiro Adventure focuses on helping adolescents, young adults, and their families through difficulties that occur when various behavioral, cognitive, or developmental issues are present. Research shows that engaging individuals on a personal level with strategic and intentional activities will aid in developing the tools and skills necessary to engage life in a healthy and positive way.

By Josh Watson, LCSW, CMO at Aspiro Adventure Therapy Program
  • Josh Watson, LCSW
    Josh Watson, LCSW
    CMO

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Josh Watson, LCSW
CMO

Also specializes in: crisis de-escalation / anxiety resolution / frustration tolerance / verbal de-escalation / CBT/DBT / interpersonal relationships/leadership development

Josh has been working with adolescents, young adults, and their families since 2001. As an original member of the Aspiro Leadership Team, Josh has fulfilled several roles at Aspiro including Clinical Wilderness Therapist, Clinical Supervision, Admissions Director, Strategic Development, and currently serves as the Chief Marketing Officer. He is passionate about carrying out the mission of Aspiro and creating the best possible experience for our clients. When Josh is not at work he enjoys traveling, cooking, outdoor adventure (of course!), golf, and spending time doing just about anything with his wife and two daughters.